I wish it didn't have to come to this

As I'm sure you're by now aware from reading Andy's blog, I have asked him for a divorce. Some of the comments have been less than flattering toward me, and I understand why they were made. However, ever since he's blocked me from viewing his blog he's been throwing out lies about me to paint me in a terrible light. I don't think that's a fair representation of the truth of the matter and I wanted to set the record straight.

Many friends that know us in real life understand that he and I haven't had a healthy relationship for a long time. Maybe it never was - his fixation on me drove him to violence and manipulation and jealousy, and I felt like I was walking on eggshells around him. He's always told me that if I ever left him that he'd kill himself - if my daughter's boyfriend said that to her I'd tell her to run for the hills. I was stupid.

When Andy lost his job he quickly descended into a shame spiral - some of you were aware of the magnitude of the situation but many weren't. I was very tight-lipped about the truth, but it was hell. He put our children at risk by drinking a bottle of whiskey between the time I left for work in the morning and by the time I logged into IM to read his offline messages that he was going to kill himself. I'd run home, take care of him, run back to work, run home and take care of everything, all the while trying my damndest to make him realize that he wasn't defined by his job. To no avail - that was the only thing that mattered to him.

It got to be too much to deal witness - I sent him back to the UK to get the help that he was resisting in the US. I couldn't reach him. The kids weren't enough for him. I cried with relief at being rid of him, and I focused on the future and fixing the emotional damage done to my children.

Just a few weeks ago Zoe (who is now 6) said, "Do you remember when Daddy would play that game where he'd pretend like he was sleeping all day long to see if I could take care of Nico?" To her, it was a game, thank God. She also thinks it's a game when I would have to pack the children into the car at three in the morning and drive around town looking for Andy. The worst came when he went on a bender, barhopping across town, and he called me around four in the morning and said he'd lost his glasses, his coat, and he'd woken up in a field covered in his own piss. My kids had to see that.

I put up with all of this for years. Far too long. I thought I could support him and get him the help - I really, really thought I could help fix him, but he didn't want that, obviously.

When he moved back to the UK I told him I no longer wanted to be married to him. He told me he was going to kill himself on his grandfather's grave. Well, since his family there didn't really know about how he wanders away I got worried. He sucked me back in again - the last thing I wanted was to be the cause of the suicide of the father of my children. I can see now that this was all an enormous manipulation on his part.

Through all of his whims and ups and downs I was always here, but it was getting worse. Even though I would spend all day on IM with him it wasn't enough - if I was away from the computer I would return to messages begging me to stop ignorning him and being so cruel, blah blah blah. And even my constant commitment to him didn't stop him from trying to kill himself a few times.

So what's the point at putting myself through all of this?

I became so stressed that I had a breakdown of sorts and my doctor recommended cutting Andy loose. After a year he was still no better than he was when he left. Again, what's the point? He was still miserable and sucking me down with him. I was no good for my kids or myself or anyone.

I've been suffering financially since he left because we owe my parents quite a lot of money. He's sent over money for the past six months (out of the fourteen he's been gone) and the majority of that has helped me to maintain only the most basic household (a sleeping room for four of us) and to help put some money on the bill that my father's holding. My paychecks helped before I got laid off, but I didn't qualify for unemployment until after the first of the year (which hasn't even come in yet). But he makes it sound as though he's doing me the world's biggest favor by sending some cash over...my father was just diagnosed with lung cancer and is undergoing chemo and radiation therapy and still has to work to help pay for this bill that Andy promised to take care of. I can only do so much while raising three children.

Since telling Andy that I want a divorce he's called my daughter multiple times telling her he's going to kill himself, that he's going to make sure I go to prison (I had a DUI last year), and that he doesn't care if the kids end up in foster care, but he's going to make sure they're taken away from me. The harassment got to be too much - I was filled with so much hate for him and his actions that I stopped talking to him altogether until he calmed down.

Along the way, yes, I did fall in love with someone else. I've been out of love with Andy for the better part of five years but stayed out of a sense of obligation. That was wrong of me, but honestly is there ever a "good" time to get divorced? Especially when I have him and his family hanging it over my head that I'm his entire world, he lives only for me, etc. That's a lot of pressure, but I couldn't live that lie any longer. I'd hoped that once he got his head straight he'd be able to see the hopelessness of the situation and just let me go.

He told me the other day that he knew I haven't been in love with him for a long time. He knew - which is probably one of the reasons he pulled my strings just to stop him from facing the truth.

I'm not leaving Andy for someone else - just for me and my children. Andy told me that without me he no longer cares about what happens to his kids. Which is no surprise, since he's had little to no interest in them since their birth.

I could go on and on about details and who was wrong about what and blah blah blah, but the fact of the matter is that I just want it to be over. If he doesn't want to support his children, fine. If he runs off to China, fine. If he goes off the deep end, fine. I can't save him - I have put blood, sweat and tears into making this work but there's only so long that it could be one-sided. I have to live my life and let him live his...his fixation on me isn't healthy and it isn't helping.